Third Trimester Thoughts...

 Julian after his most recent day painting with George and Paloma.

       He turns 7 on Sunday.

Well its getting close people.  I am getting close that is. WE are getting close...Within the next couple of weeks we will be going from a family of 3 to 4.  It has been an interesting few months, some of my most miserable honestly.  The perils of not being 100% healthy and taking on the rigors of pregnancy just was not something I really could wrap my head around.  I have had a myriad of complications, from your normal pregnant lady woes, to full out pre-term labor ER trips.  Adam has been a saint through all of this.  He truly has.  I have been impossible on so many levels because I am so limited in what I can actually do physically.  It is extremely frustrating to not be in a place to climb on chairs and put stuff away way up in the reaches of the closet. In the midst of all of this we have just moved into a new place in a different part of Miami.  It is totally bizarre.  The house is functional, it will be fine once everything is put away and has its place.  It needs a new bathtub, which the landlords are putting in after we get settled, and there are a few issues of weirdness with odd linoleum and unfinished wood floors, but it works for now.  We have a place to live, we are safe and Julian is happy.  That kind of makes it hard to complain.

I have been so lucky to be doing the work that I am still doing at the Kitchen (Voice Over Studio) and Temple Israel in the Religious School and the Youth Group.  I have also been volunteering at the synagogue and trying to get some really cool programming organized there over the next few months.  I wish there was a way for me to suppliment my portion of the income more, but it is what it is for now.  We struggle, but we get by. (SQUEAK).

Theatre has really (obviously) taken a backseat.  I am surprised at how much I DON'T miss it.  I have come to a place where I realize the things I love about acting and doing the work are not what I miss about theatre.  I don't miss the messiness of it all, and I am free of having to subject myself to people and situations that really compromise who I have become over the last few years.  I miss the good work, the honest connections in the real moments of breath up there, and I miss the artistry...there is so little of that left anymore. I am so lucky to know that when (and if) I choose to return to performing in the theatre I just might be able to find the right opportunity, but for once in my life I am not obsessed with the idea that I HAVE TO BE IN A SHOW.  It's a PLAY.  Its called PLAY, it should be FUN and challenging and wonderful; not a mess of mediocre work, with people you wouldn't trust to take care of your dog for 24 hours while you are out of town.  I want to be inspired and challenged in the tasks I CHOOSE to undertake.

Getting healthy, being a mother, growing my family and fostering the friendships that I have that are so dear to me are what count right now.  I am so lucky to have a good number of people in my life that love me, love Adam and Julian that I want to focus on those things...not what I can get out of being seen in the right vehicle for myself as a performer.  Whatever that is will come, if at all, when the need arises.  I am getting stronger every day.  I am enough.

Baby on board...he really picked THIS train?

OK...so here we go...I am now in the thick of my second trimester of pregnancy with my second son Elijah. The fact that I am even typing that statement at all is a mind blower.  People will constantly talk about their "miracle" babies, or how incredible getting to be pregnant was for them and it makes most people vomit.  That is totally understandable.  There are so many mushy and frankly sappy things about being a parent it is truly amazing we can maintain friendships with people without them making attempts on our lives regularly just to stop the "my kid is...or my kid did this...." chatter.  But here is the deal- it really is all of those things and more...especially for me right now considering the clusterfuck of my health over the last 3 years.  I tried to keep my illness very hush hush, especially among those I work with because I was afraid of only being seen as a sick person.  I was also terrified of losing work, and not being considered for jobs because my health was so compromised (more on that in a minute).  The fact is what I did was soldier on running a theatre, acting in plays, doing voice over work, mothering Julian, wifeing Adam and ignoring all warnings and advice from the people trying to take care of me:  My doctors.  The fact is: I AM SICK.  I HAVE A CHRONIC ILLNESS.  I AM NOT WELL.

There, I said it. 

That is something that has been difficult for me to face and really own up to because of my horrendous type-A personality.  what the hell is wrong with me??? Well...

In addition to several auto immune disorders (discussed below) I had the unfortunate luck of having several breast tumors removed in December only to discover one of them was malignant.  I was already on chemo for 19 months for my Idiopathic Granulomatus Mastitis (which is a rare auto immune disease which causes a proliferation of breast tumors in both breasts.  They are hard palpable masses that feel like your chest is filled with glass they are aggressive and grow at will).  In addition to that I was on a hardcore regimen of meds for Fibromyalgia which was triggered by the IGM...now in addition I was diagnosed two weeks ago with Chronic Fatigue Disorder...like I'm not tired enough.

In order to control my tumors I was placed on Tamoxifen (HELL) by my surgical oncologist instead of having the bilateral mastectomy I was originally scheduled for in June.  Why no mastectomy...because the kind of tumors I have will grow in the tissue under the breasts once they are gone, so if we can keep them and manage the growth that is what he deemed best case scenario for me.  So I get to hang on to my boobs for now.

There were a handful of close people who knew the detailed ins and out of how sick I was, my rapid weight loss and inability to remember things was getting harder and harder to explain away.  I am thankful for the people close to me that kept my dirty little secret.  It was a complex and tiresome one to carry around.  There were some of those same people who did go behind my back and tell others I was sick, because it excited them to be a part of the gossip machine and they had really juicy info.  FUCK THEM. REALLY, REALLY. FUCK. THEM.

Now that I am hopefully through the worst of the med game I have been more open and "out" about my being sick.  Some folks were genuinely surprised because I maintained the same insane schedule, performed some of the best work of my career as an actor, and was still running my little company. 

Closing the theatre was not about me being sick...its really was about money.  I am glad we had the 8 years we did, I miss it some days, but mostly am happy with what we accomplished and proud of the work.  It was a gift to be able to do the work no matter if anyone liked it or not.

Now about this baby...my med regime was so intense that we were resigned to the fact that there was no way we could have another baby.  We were lucky enough to have such a great kid in Julian that we felt that we would be more than OK with our 3 person family.  Well Elijah had other plans.  The fact that we have made it this far in the pregnancy is truly miraculous.  I was on major toxic meds for the first few months and did not even know I was pregnant.  Medical menopause is a side effect of Tamoxifen so not having a period was totally normal.  PLUS I was on birth control just because I was not going to risk getting pregnant and having major complications for me and baby.  Turns out that is exactly what happened.  Once I found out I was pregnant it was a mad scramble to find out if this baby was forming properly, developing normally and was viable as a normal pregnancy.  Elijah has defied all odds.  He has passed every single chromosomal test, diagnostic ultrasound and blood test known to fetuses in the first world.  This boy was determined to get here, be here and be talked about.  No matter what happens the rest of this pregnancy I know that he has served to show me that LIFE GOES ON.

That is the point really. LIFE GOES ON.  No matter how hard it is some days, or what we face on a daily basis we have no choice but to soldier forward.  We are being counted on by our friends, family and by OURSELVES.  We must focus and remember that as hard as it is for us there is always someone else who has a story or an experience that is just as powerful as yours.  There are those of us who do not have the money we need to pay bills monthly, or go ape shit at Publix, or to actually FILL the gas tank, but we have OURSELVES.  (with me not working it has been a lesson in monastic living I tell ya).  We have the capacity to love, be loved and give love.  We have the ability to hold each other up in the hardest of times, without making a production out of what we have "done" for someone else.  We have been gifted with our lives...no matter how much time we are given here on Earth we are gifted with today.  I encourage everyone to stop and think for just a second about how many people truly love you and need your presence on this planet RIGHT NOW.  Love each other, but most importantly LOVE YOURSELF.  you are the only you you (we) have.  And you bet your sweet ass we need you here RIGHT NOW.

Now go call someone you haven't talked to in over a month and tell them you love them. 

and PS...I am OK.  I am HERE.  I will CARRY ON.  Now, where are the Krispy Kremes???

d

Love.

                                                     Julian and mommy on July 21, 2012



                                               The best thing about being a mother is this face.

Next to Normal... MY LIFE not the damned musical people....

O.K. I am making a commitment to myself to blog as much as possible especially now that the summer is approaching, the show i am in will be closing in 2 weeks and i will have some more of the answers i require to move forward in my tiny speck of the world.  i have had so much happening i have not had the chance to stop and really enjoy the good things i have been so lucky to be surrounded by.  if i focus on what i do not have what i do have will fade quickly into the background of my life until i wonder where it all went.

GOOD THINGS:
Julian. 'nuff said....well no, he tells me what a great mommy i am to him and how much he knows i love him and he says "i love my mama too". so there

Adam.  Being together in a relationship that lasts longer than a few months with anyone is hard.  But this man has shared my life with me EVERY DAY since July 23, 1995.  A lot can be said about this. Here is the short version: He is the man in Black and really thinks I'm Buttercup. As You Wish.  All of this under the Joshua Tree at GFC. who knew?

My amazing friends....the REAL ones not the gossip mongers.  Those people have already separated themselves from me...and they know how.  If not i feel sorry for them because they will never know what its like to be betrayed in such a superficial and deliberate way. I will not be systematically dismantled like a robot.  I am a living breathing FEELING person.  I am done shedding tears that would be better served elsewhere.

My support family of those friends who love me, really know me and care about my well being.  They are also the ones I would happily give my closet to, a starbucks card, a ride or just a fun version of how much something makes me nuts "sherminator" style. that way they know i have their back with such ferocity that they can move about the world freely knowing i got them.  I cry with them, love with them laugh with them and go crazy on mod cloth and sephora with them.  I can also tell them anything and KNOW it wont be shared as a great bit of party information.

My niece. She is just awesome and I am so proud of the young woman she has become.  She has her whole life ahead of he and that is extraordinary....just like her.

My ability to get out of bed every day and try again.

I. am. thankful.

BAD THINGS....they arent worth my time to type.

More to come....mad love and kisses...dls

Julian reads on channel seven www.wsvn.com

http://www.wsvn.com/features/articles/parent/MI93506/javascript-playvideo-6407921-reading-with-your-kids-v-news-/

check it out...hes pretty great....love that boy i tell ya.

Back From NYC....Musings et. al

Went to NYC....froze my ass off...didnt see most people I wanted to see but i DID see 7 shows and have 2 great agency leads.

I just submitted this essay for the 305 flash  http://www.miamiherald.com/southfloridaflash/ Essay/wrting contest:

My son climbs out of bed and stomps his way towards the bathroom. The sun is shining so brightly he can barely open his eyes. This is Florida. I already know what he wants. Orange juice and a morning snack before he heads out into the innocent world of kindergarten.  The sun is shining and we head out the door  after a discussion about where the oranges in his juice came from. We talk about the workers that who spent the day outside in the heat of the orchards with no relief from the heat picking oranges to help make his juice so special. We discuss the fact that they have to share floor space with many other people at the end of a long day that begins when the sun rises and ends only when it finally sets.  We contemplate what its like not to have a nice cozy bed to sleep in and air-conditioning whenever we want it.  We sit in our car and travel comfortably to his school.  This is Florida.  He looks up at the sky and says “Do you think the people who picked my oranges see the same sky?”  “Yes baby.” I say, knowing in my heart the sky they see is just a bit different.  His sky is blue and full of warmth and promise, while theirs is harsh, hot, unrelenting –yet it’s full of promise.  His is the promise of a fun day at the playground, theirs the opportunity to pick as much as they can while the weather holds up so that they can earn money for their families, both here and back at “home”.  They too have children the same age as mine who look up see the same sky as my son. It’s blue, warm and full of promise. This is Florida.

Halloween was yesterday...seemed weird and strange this year....maybe the change of venue was a bit much for me....used to being with he Duncans but halloween was on a monday this year and with school etc. getting there (Davie) and back (Miami) in a resonable time would have been a logisticical nightmare.....i am posting a halloween pic from our michael jackson addicted monkey....i was 1984 and adam was crockett from miami vice...totally tubbless...id live to hear any comments on the essay and hope you enjoy the halloween silliness.

REALLY OVER A YEAR?

So it looks like my feeble attempt to blog last year was what i would call an absolute failure.....i will be more up on it now that i have time on my hands....the latest....jules is in kindergarten and i am in the throes of actor unemployment which right now i think is a blessing in disguise....i really havent stopped working for the last few years and although i am extremely fortunate because of that i really have not had any time for self care or rest of any kind....as a mom you dont get much time for that anyway but to really go out of your way to try to good to yourself when you work a 16 hour day just doesnt happen....adam is working his job is insane but at least he is employed...thank goodness considering the crappy conditions out there...we lost his dad this past year and that was a huge blow to all of us...we miss him mucho.  its is the new year yet again and we have just begun it with a bang....julian is reading and is the most eager and stubborn kid around....i cannot imagine where he gets it from ;)  more to come this week....hoping for goodness for everyone out there....mucahs smoochas....d