OK...so here we go...I am now in the thick of my second trimester of pregnancy with my second son Elijah. The fact that I am even typing that statement at all is a mind blower. People will constantly talk about their "miracle" babies, or how incredible getting to be pregnant was for them and it makes most people vomit. That is totally understandable. There are so many mushy and frankly sappy things about being a parent it is truly amazing we can maintain friendships with people without them making attempts on our lives regularly just to stop the "my kid is...or my kid did this...." chatter. But here is the deal- it really is all of those things and more...especially for me right now considering the clusterfuck of my health over the last 3 years. I tried to keep my illness very hush hush, especially among those I work with because I was afraid of only being seen as a sick person. I was also terrified of losing work, and not being considered for jobs because my health was so compromised (more on that in a minute). The fact is what I did was soldier on running a theatre, acting in plays, doing voice over work, mothering Julian, wifeing Adam and ignoring all warnings and advice from the people trying to take care of me: My doctors. The fact is: I AM SICK. I HAVE A CHRONIC ILLNESS. I AM NOT WELL.
There, I said it.
That is something that has been difficult for me to face and really own up to because of my horrendous type-A personality. what the hell is wrong with me??? Well...
In addition to several auto immune disorders (discussed below) I had the unfortunate luck of having several breast tumors removed in December only to discover one of them was malignant. I was already on chemo for 19 months for my Idiopathic Granulomatus Mastitis (which is a rare auto immune disease which causes a proliferation of breast tumors in both breasts. They are hard palpable masses that feel like your chest is filled with glass they are aggressive and grow at will). In addition to that I was on a hardcore regimen of meds for Fibromyalgia which was triggered by the IGM...now in addition I was diagnosed two weeks ago with Chronic Fatigue Disorder...like I'm not tired enough.
In order to control my tumors I was placed on Tamoxifen (HELL) by my surgical oncologist instead of having the bilateral mastectomy I was originally scheduled for in June. Why no mastectomy...because the kind of tumors I have will grow in the tissue under the breasts once they are gone, so if we can keep them and manage the growth that is what he deemed best case scenario for me. So I get to hang on to my boobs for now.
There were a handful of close people who knew the detailed ins and out of how sick I was, my rapid weight loss and inability to remember things was getting harder and harder to explain away. I am thankful for the people close to me that kept my dirty little secret. It was a complex and tiresome one to carry around. There were some of those same people who did go behind my back and tell others I was sick, because it excited them to be a part of the gossip machine and they had really juicy info. FUCK THEM. REALLY, REALLY. FUCK. THEM.
Now that I am hopefully through the worst of the med game I have been more open and "out" about my being sick. Some folks were genuinely surprised because I maintained the same insane schedule, performed some of the best work of my career as an actor, and was still running my little company.
Closing the theatre was not about me being sick...its really was about money. I am glad we had the 8 years we did, I miss it some days, but mostly am happy with what we accomplished and proud of the work. It was a gift to be able to do the work no matter if anyone liked it or not.
Now about this baby...my med regime was so intense that we were resigned to the fact that there was no way we could have another baby. We were lucky enough to have such a great kid in Julian that we felt that we would be more than OK with our 3 person family. Well Elijah had other plans. The fact that we have made it this far in the pregnancy is truly miraculous. I was on major toxic meds for the first few months and did not even know I was pregnant. Medical menopause is a side effect of Tamoxifen so not having a period was totally normal. PLUS I was on birth control just because I was not going to risk getting pregnant and having major complications for me and baby. Turns out that is exactly what happened. Once I found out I was pregnant it was a mad scramble to find out if this baby was forming properly, developing normally and was viable as a normal pregnancy. Elijah has defied all odds. He has passed every single chromosomal test, diagnostic ultrasound and blood test known to fetuses in the first world. This boy was determined to get here, be here and be talked about. No matter what happens the rest of this pregnancy I know that he has served to show me that LIFE GOES ON.
That is the point really. LIFE GOES ON. No matter how hard it is some days, or what we face on a daily basis we have no choice but to soldier forward. We are being counted on by our friends, family and by OURSELVES. We must focus and remember that as hard as it is for us there is always someone else who has a story or an experience that is just as powerful as yours. There are those of us who do not have the money we need to pay bills monthly, or go ape shit at Publix, or to actually FILL the gas tank, but we have OURSELVES. (with me not working it has been a lesson in monastic living I tell ya). We have the capacity to love, be loved and give love. We have the ability to hold each other up in the hardest of times, without making a production out of what we have "done" for someone else. We have been gifted with our lives...no matter how much time we are given here on Earth we are gifted with today. I encourage everyone to stop and think for just a second about how many people truly love you and need your presence on this planet RIGHT NOW. Love each other, but most importantly LOVE YOURSELF. you are the only you you (we) have. And you bet your sweet ass we need you here RIGHT NOW.
Now go call someone you haven't talked to in over a month and tell them you love them.
and PS...I am OK. I am HERE. I will CARRY ON. Now, where are the Krispy Kremes???
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Love ya Sherminator <3
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